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Sexual displays are maximal, but on the plus side, traveling in large groups makes assault a remote possibility.įor those looking to find a crunchy heterosexual mate on the Far North Side, Simon’s is a good bet. Sexy ambience Big television screens, strobe lights, a smoke machine He’s chatting up Susie the intern, who spent most of her lunch break choosing among the halter tops at Forever 21. Remember, fellas, belching “I wanna make out with you” never, ever works.Įvery weekend, when the second floor of this distinguished-looking bar becomes Club Barleycorn, the regulars-affluent thirtysomething neighborhood professionals-are overrun by excitable suburbanites seeking mergers and acquisitions of the sexual kind.įauna Observe Bob from accounting, wearing his going-out button-down and boot-cut jeans. Our field notes from a recent trip include two one-sided games of grab-ass, four spilled drinks and six slurring suitors with European notions of personal space. Sexy ambience Exposed brick, the bartender’s cowboy hat Drunken men in funny hats claiming to work in the music industry. During regular hours, this place is a highly entertaining cross-section of West Siders, but from 2 to 5am, it becomes a lawless, horny free-for-all, a kind of Wrigleyville West with more nonconsensual groping and fewer people who drove in from Schaumburg.įauna Drunken girls in skinny jeans.
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On weekends from 2am onward, droves of the inordinately intoxicated clamor for a final chance at romance at the reigning king of Chicago pickup bars.